so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
