Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
