I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
