I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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