remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
