you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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