My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
