Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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