He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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