My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
