If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
