Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
