Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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