I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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