I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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