but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
