My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Less talking, more tequila
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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