Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Randomize
