i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize