Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's shark week go big or go home
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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