I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
