So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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