I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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