do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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