He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
