turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
