My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
