if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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