you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
