I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize