Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
