we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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