Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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