I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
