Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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