You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
