You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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