you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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