Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
