If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
