i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
