My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
