I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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