I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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