i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
