Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
