Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
