i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
