i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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