Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize