ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
