I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
