he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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