I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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