My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
