the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
