did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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