glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
