the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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