I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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