I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sorry about my life...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
