i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
