perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This baby is an asshole
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
